An Open Letter From A Canadian To The New York Times, Eh?

Journalism

from the happy-to-help dept

Dear New York Times,

As a Canadian, I am writing to say what an honour and a privilege it is to be chosen as one of your preliminary test subjects for the dumbest business model imaginable. We don’t get many chances to contribute up here in the untamed north, so the knowledge that we are helping to ensure “as smooth a transition as possible” for your real readers makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like a Tim Horton’s hot chocolate.

Your plan makes perfect sense. The average Canadian starts his day chopping down trees and ends it with igloo sex (which is awesome, by the way) so we don’t need something to be “smooth” and “fine-tuned” unless it’s an axe or a Chippewa concubine. So by all means use us as your whetstone before you go hacking away at the American market – we don’t mind in the slightest. New York is still basically a mythical place to us, so every article you publish is like a dispatch from Oz, and who wouldn’t want to pay for that?

Now, there are those who will tell you that your business model couldn’t be more doomed if you opened a chain of in-temple money changers, which is no doubt why you wanted to try it out on Canadians before attempting any human testing. I for one pledge to live up to the faith you have shown in us: I will ignore the nay-sayers and become a lifelong subscriber, if only to prove how much more agreeable we northerners are than whiny yanks like Felix Salmon. Felix thinks you can evaluate things with math. If Canadians believed that, we’d move our currency off the Syrup Standard. However, as your goal is to improve the product, I will dutifully point out that even to us your pricing structure makes less sense than your country’s bacon naming conventions.

So thank you New York Times for singling Canada out as the only place on the entire planet that deserves to test your unfinished product. Of course, it’s not entirely clear why it’s still unfinished, since the $40-million you spent developing it is more than the combined wealth of our entire nation ever since Celine Dion moved to Vegas, but we have faith nonetheless. I sincerely hope that, with our help, your paywall will be a big hit in the real world.

Your faithful guinea-pig,
Marcus Carab

Filed Under: canada, paywall
Companies: ny times