(Apologies in advance for the length, but an epic tale cannot be rushed or shortened, lest the heart be ripped from it)

It’s likely not that nefarious actually, though the sleaze and corruption factors more than make up for it.

Basically, the DOJ are, more often than not, good little Hollywood employees, and Hollywood had/has a real hate-on for Dotcom, and a flair for extravagance and the theatrical.

As they’ve done in the past, the DOJ took the claims made by Hollywood at face value and sprang into action, rushing to apprehend the nefarious ‘Doctor Dotcom’ before his plans of world domination and/or providing an alternative way for musicians to get their music out and sell it came to fruition, sure that their good buddies/bosses were right and that they’d find a treasure trove of evidence.

(Something to remember, the Dotcom raid went down shortly after SOPA was shot down, and while it likely wasn’t the deciding factor, it did quite likely lead to the whole thing being rushed, as Hollywood was less than pleased, and wasn’t exactly subtle in expressing this displeasure. And when the groups known for making substantial ‘campaign contributions’ start cracking the whip, the recipients of those ‘donations’ start getting jumpy.)

So, the DOJ sprang into action, and coned, bribed or just lied to the NZ government into supporting a SWAT-style raid, choppers in the sky and all, lest Doctor Dotcom flip the magic switch Hollywood assured the DOJ(or the DOJ assured the NZ police, can’t remember exactly) he had that would instantly wipe the servers, destroying all that evidence(the same servers they’re now trying to indirectly wipe, after cherry-picking evidence from. Funny how that works).

Luckily for us all, Doctor Dotcom had not only forgotten to install the magic switch, he had yet to make the technological breakthrough that would allow him to connect, from NZ to the US, to servers which had been disconnected before the raid.

For want of a horseshoe the world was saved(or something like that).

So, the evil Doctor was crushed, now it was just a simple matter of going ‘Pretty please?’ to the NZ government and Doctor Dotcom would shortly find himself on a one way plane to the US, there to stand trial(or ‘trial’ as the case may be) for his heinous crimes.

However, before the champagne could be popped, the unthinkable happened: the NZ government asked for proof of Doctor Dotcom’s terrible crimes.

Proof!

As though the duplicity of the evil Doctor’s crimes weren’t evident enough, the foolish government wanted proof before handing him over! Truly, the NZ government had obviously gone mad, wasn’t Hollywood’s word and assurances good enough?!

However, all was not lost, for had not the ever-so-virtuous and honest Hollywood assured the DOJ of Doctor Dotcom’s guilt? Had they not even pinky swore it?

So, digging through the evidence they had gathered, and doing their best to ignore the trivialities the NZ courts were complaining about(something about ‘illegally removing evidence from the country’), the DOJ set about building their case, only to find out, to their horror, that the twisted Doctor had somehow triggered a second switch, one that magically created meg after meg, gig after gig, of non-infringing files.

The sheer shock in the offices of Hollywood’s greatest enforcers was indeed great that day.

This would not do. If the Doctor was allowed to access the servers and copy over evidence from them for his defense, all the carefully crafted planning would be for naught! After all, had not US law already found that if a service or technology has significant non-infringing uses, it was legal?

At all costs, the Doctor could not be allowed access to the servers.

Gloom and doom pervaded the office, and the valiant Defenders of Hollywood searched for a way to keep the case afloat, until, one day, a lowly agent came to a shocking realization.

Servers cost a significant amount to maintain…

Thanks to the actions against the vile Doctor Dotcom, his vast wealth was, for the most part, locked away, no longer available to him…

If the server costs were unable to be paid, then they would almost certainly be cleared of all data, and leased to another…

From that realization, a plan was hatched. With their own ‘evidence’ copied off the servers, the DOJ had no more need of the data on them, so all they had to do was stall. Stall and wait, until the day when the servers were cleared free of all that ‘inconvenient data’, and the DOJ would be the only ones left with evidence from them.

The plan seemed to be working, any day now the servers would be cleared of data, and the case could be brought to bear, with the evil Doctor vanquished once and for all.

And then, like a bolt of blacked evil out of the sky, the heinous Doctor unveiled yet another of his plots, and pointed out to the Hong Kong courts that, in their haste, the righteous DOJ had perhaps… missed a few steps, forgotten to dot all the ‘i’s, cross all the ‘t’s, in their haste to put his evil to and end…

[To be continued in ‘Doctor Dotcom vs. The World 2: The Doctor’s Revenge]