Traffic Cam Company 'Bagman' Pleads Guilty To Bribing Chicago Transportation Official

Legal Issues

from the that's-'safety'-with-a-capital-$ dept

John Bills
Managing Commissioner
Chicago Transportation Department
30 N. LaSalle Street
Suite 1100
Chicago, IL 60602  
(312) 744-3600

Mr. John Bills,

As the Commissioner of Chicago’s DOT, you are undoubtedly aware that unsafe driving kills or injures hundreds of people every year.* While not every death or injury can be prevented, there are proactive measures that can be taken to reduce this terrible toll.

*[Stats tk, but probably a lot.]

One of the best deterrents is a non-intrusive camera: one that acts as both a recording device and a police officer. (And a judge and jury, truth be told.) In fact, these cameras — which can* monitor speed and red light violations — perform 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, generating a possibly unlimited amount of revenue for your department, as well as for the city itself. They may also make your streets safer, both for commuters and pedestrians — something that can be highlighted when pursuing funding.

*[The spirit is willing, but the tech is weak.]

Unlike more static revenue streams like vehicle registration feeds and road taxes, camera systems can be tweaked as needed to guard against budget shortfalls. Working in conjunction with Redflex specialists, you’ll be able to avail yourself to a variety of revenue boosters like shortened yellow lights, sudden speed limit changes, unchallengeable tickets and any number of camera malfunctions or programming errors that will almost always* result in more generated revenue.

*[Caveats apply. See 135-page agreement for further details.]

Choosing the best traffic camera solution for your city is a daunting decision. We at Redflex believe we can offer what many of our competitors can’t, or at least likely won’t. In addition to our traffic camera “expertise,” we also offer the following:

• A condominium in Gilbert, Arizona
• Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep discounts on hotel rooms, car rentals and meals
• Debt consolidation plans for select transportation officials
• Multiple personal finance options

We realize your have your choice in traffic control systems, but would like to remind you that only one company can offer you up to $570,000 in cash over the next eight years.

Sincerely,

Martin “Bagman” O’Malley
Senior Consultant

Redflex Traffic Systems
Phoenix, Arizona
866 703-8097

[h/t velox — and, yes, if you hadn’t figured it out yet, this is satire, but based on a true story]

Filed Under: bribery, chicago, john bills, red-light cameras, speed cameras, traffic cameras