A Teenaged Tech CEO Tries To Sneak In After Curfew And Finds His Mom Waited Up For Him
from the but-maaaaaaaaahm dept
With Congress spending a lot of time these days demanding answers from big tech firms, you may have noticed a notable similarity in style regarding how they respond to these kinds of inquiries.
Thank you very much for inviting my input on the topic of being grounded. I appreciate the opportunity to engage with Mom regarding this important discussion.
I take living under your roof very seriously. I am proud to be a recognized leader in crucial household initiatives such as making the bed and setting the table. Last year, data rigorously collected by the chores chart on the refrigerator[1] shows that I folded the laundry 48 times, a 200% increase year over year. [2] My contributions in these areas demonstrate my ongoing commitment to this family.
From time to time, I may adjust my going-out policies based on data-driven decision-making and evaluation of the current regulatory environment. My interpretation of curfew is based upon guidance from Dad who said 1:00 a.m. was OK, but you weren?t there, I think you were at the store. If the conclusions I drew from this guidance do not reflect parental intent, I regret the miscommunication and appreciate the chance for clarification.
My policies are consistent with industry best practices in this area. According to my most recent review, Jennifer’s mom lets her come home at 1:00 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays, and Denise’s mom lets her sleep over at a boy’s house so long as his mom calls her mom first. Accordingly, I believe that my going-out policy reflects standard parental expectations in the community where I operate.
Should you have any additional requests for information, I can be reached in my room via text message. Mom, gawd, just text me like a normal person. No I won?t hear you knock because I always have my earbuds in. Well I put them in because you complained I was playing my music too loud, JEEZ I CAN?T DO ANYTHING RIGHT I HATE IT HERE [bursts into tears, storms upstairs]
Thank you again for the opportunity to continue the dialogue on this critical issue. I look forward to answering your questions.
[1] See Attachment A.
[2] Id.; see also [REDACTED].
When Riana Pfefferkorn is not writing satirical letters to Congress Mom, she’s a Research Scholar at the Stanford Internet Observatory. She can be found online at @Riana_Crypto.
Comments on “A Teenaged Tech CEO Tries To Sneak In After Curfew And Finds His Mom Waited Up For Him”
And the,as long as you live under my roof you do as I say, rule
That about sums up how most committees act. Sit down I want to talk to you about your behavior, not your brother telecom because it does NatSec.
After watching too many of these meetings I stopped. They act like city state judgement boards. Also without any expertise or with lobby notes.
Well, landed a new rover on Mars so the future looks good to move out. Problem: empty real estate.
Re: And the,as long as you live under my roof you do as I say, r
It kindof fell a bit flat for me..
I guess the idea is that the citizens are there to serve the government? That the government is the owner of the country and the citizens just mooch off them I guess? Instead of moving out to buy their own house and becoming independent adults which would mean I guess forming their own country?
Is this an endorsement of nanny state politics or a critique? I’m confused at the metaphor but not very convinced either way
I was confused reading the whole thing because the satire is mocking the format of Tech CEO statements when the problem isn’t the CEO statements and answers but the questions and commentary coming from the committee and hearing participants in Congress. You can’t expect meaningful statements from a CEO if the questions are half ignorant and half tailored to make a political statement on camera with zero accountability behind it.
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I think both things can be true: the questions from Congress can be lame, and the answers from the tech companies are… not particularly enlightening, and clearly designed not to explain anything useful. Both are for show.
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I like nitpick, but this it too simple and correct, so I was "forced" to click ‘insightful".
On a more serious note: would be nice to know why it seems the tech industry has acquitted itself so poorly before (a rampantly ignorant &| dishonest) congress.
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Your question answers itself, congress is looking for targets and not infotmation.
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Asserting as fact that a bully is looking to bully someone doesn’t explain why a "victim" with come in every day with $100 in "lunch" money
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"Asserting as fact that a bully is looking to bully someone doesn’t explain why a "victim" with come in every day with $100 in "lunch" money…"
More like the victim gets dragged into a dark alley and congress mugs him/her for whatever they’ve got on them.
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"…would be nice to know why it seems the tech industry has acquitted itself so poorly before (a rampantly ignorant &| dishonest) congress."
Looking at a few excerpts from the hearings Congress invited FB, Google and Amazon to attend…I don’t see how they could acquit themselves well.
You can’t defend yourself when all you’ve got is logic and facts but the prosecution insists you keep trying to defend yourself against a grimdark fairytale of your malfeasance they’ve tapped from the same well Trump uses for campaign speeches.
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I’m not sure I agree and I can actually pull an example from Techdirt. I like and read Techdirt regularly and occasionally show my support by buying merch. Last year, that included an emoji face mask. The face mask was not functional as a face mask. I mean sure it’s got the loops so you can wear it, but in the middle of a pandemic it was a single layer face mask so thin I legitimately thought if I wore it I would have, or at least should have, been called out for not even wearing a face mask.
Now I bought it more to support TechDirt than actually have a working mask. Although I was disappointed I couldn’t legitimately wear it to see if it would spark discussion from co-workers (although new thought, I should double mask and use it as the external layer), ultimately the artistry was great but the actual product was low effort and phoned in. Granted it’s a simple piece of merchandise and not a testimony to Congress but doesn’t it come from the same place?
Why would a Tech CEO go out of their way to be enlightening in a public testimony to Congress when the testimony is basically meaningless and they can phone it in? I could ask the same of the mask, why not go through the extra effort to work with a producer who can make a usable and quality mask?
I imagine someone is going to come back and say a Congressional hearing should be different than a throwaway merchandise store, but I don’t see the difference. Congress isn’t going out of the way to make it more meaningful than my face mask.
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A smart CEO will see these hearings for what they are: theater. Theater is meant for public consumption/entertainment, not for any meaningful decision-making. The public is watching and these hearings have the power to sway public opinion. This is an excellent opportunity for the smart CEO to drive public opinion in the direction they prefer despite the rambling efforts of Congress to drive it elsewhere.
That none of the above actually happened tells me a lot about how smart these CEOs really are. Playing the combative victim does nothing to garner public support and, in a time when such support may be desperately needed, letting this opportunity pass by is remarkably dumb.
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"A smart CEO will see these hearings for what they are: theater. "
They even are sworn in under penalty of perjury, but the tobacco hearings proved that to be theater as well. If Congress actually went after those who perjured, maybe the theater part would lessen.
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Asking Congress to hold liars accountable is like asking Mayor Larry Vaughn to close the beaches: That shit ain’t gonna happen.
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Have you tried double-masking? That usually works…
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And from what I’ve read, double masking is recommended for people who don’t have access to N95 masks. (I wear either two layered cloth masks or a medical mask under a layered cloth mask.)
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Reminds me of reading about the Night Trap hearing sensationalism and not even listening to the creators called to "testify" that they were literally speaking complete fiction with lies about rape. If congress doesn’t act in good faith the process becomes adversarial and means the best thing anybody called to testify can do is to say nothing of substance because anything you say can and will be used against you.
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But .. but – her emails!
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"the problem isn’t the CEO statements and answer"
This is correct. It is a human problem and all humans exhibit traits related to this problem. Simply pointing to someone else and laying blame does nothing to address said problem, it merely deflects criticism.
Addressing problems tends to be difficult and lengthy, most politicians avoid these things, sometimes not very discretely. Politicians blaming other politicians does nothing to remedy whatever the aliment is. it conveniently kicks said problem down the road .. again – not fixed.
Whatever. This piece wins a solid 5 internets. I thought it hilariously good.
Thank you. THANK YOU!! I haven’t laughed this hard in a year, and I have solid, industry supported data to support that position.
Wrong gender
From the context I think the teenager is a girl, the context being that the cited industry best practices are both female. Also, having been a teenage boy myself, I doubt that a boy would burst into tears, although he might well storm upstairs.
The headline should say "… Finds Her Mom Waited Up For Her."